How did we both end up here?

This picture was taken before I became sick of all of the snow. I just want it to be warm already! Notice the double-jacket'ing?

This is my work bench! I love it. A lot of very genius (but also naive) ideas are created right here.

Kelly drove all the way from Wisconsin to spend the weekend with me!

We drove to New York City and I took this picture from the Staten Island Ferry! 

A day in the life of a woodworker.

I like how my roommates automatically placed the blame on me for the toilet being clogged, because I "probably threw a tampon down there or something."   I see a few things wrong with this assumption. 

#menfolkwhatajoke

Say Anything

There’s this super attractive guy who goes to my church ( think 1980’s John Cusack ) whom I’ve been ogling every Sunday for the past month, and today he randomly walked up to me and introduced himself!  Problems: He’s a senior in HS, and I’m 19. Too weird? Also, I am only sticking around for 6 more weeks before I move to the other side of the country!! My life sucks.

A Tribute to Bernice

So I had my last day of work on Monday. Now I have all of this free time where I am not constantly amused by elderly folk. I really miss my job. I actually would look forward to that job, even when working the 6am laundry shift. I loved the clash of people who worked and resided there immensely.

So a tribute to Shady Grove Nursing Home.

Some of my favorite moments/ conversations:

#10: Conversation with SSo on the bus to work

S: "I haven't painted realistic people in a while; I need to buy a black paint with a less green hue." Me: " Your black paint has a green hue? Huh." S: " Yeah I know right? (as a black man gets on the bus) You would think all blacks would be the same!"


#9: The day that State Survey came to observe the building, and a pipe broke in south hall bathroom. Leave it to Joyce to venture towards the faucet and try to turn off the water, getting herself completely drenched, and having to go home and change clothes.

#8: Any day that Bernice tried to escape the building was an entertaining day. But also any day she would just stand up from her wheelchair and her wheelchair alarm would go off, that was also entertaining. One day a nurse tried to coax her back into her wheelchair with promises of yogurt. Apparently Bernices like yogurt.

#7: Once when cleaning CTh's room, she told me "I hope you find a million dollars. I'd split it with you."

#6: Another time when cleaning CTh's room, she was complaining to me of an upset stomach. Once I had finally gotten her to push the Help Button, she let out an enormous belch, and then told me she was fine.

#5: I'll never forget the time that Joyce referred to the clock on the washer as "The Time Machine." When I began joking that I was very upset nobody told me we had a time machine, she didn't understand.

#4: Or having to work Thanksgiving night, when the nurses convinced me to take a goodie-bag home full of food. Later I opened the bag to find six cups full of what I guessed via smell was pureed turkey, mandarin oranges, and vanilla pudding. Apparently Ruth didn't want her goodie bag, and I don't blame her.

#3: The time I tried to leave work at the end of the day and didn't realize that the door was alarmed. They alarm the doors whenever high-risk residents are nearby. When I ran from the door, they found DJe at the scene of the crime, and wheeled him away. I got off scot-free.

#2: Folding laundry with SSo while simultaneously dancing to The Jackson 5. It helps the day go by faster.

#1: My favorite moment while working at Shady Grove Nursing Home was when I convinced all of my fellow employees that one of the residents spoke perfect English, when in reality he's Spanish-speaking from Portugal. The conversation went something like this:

Cs: "All he ever says is 'Clean Clean!'
Me: "Really? He speaks perfect English to me."
Cs: "What?? How is that possible? I've been working here for two years!"
Me: "Oh yeah he only speaks English when you're not around."

Britches

I am afraid that the longer I work at Shady Grove, the less aware I become of the hilarity that surrounds me. To avoid forgetting the day-to-day amusements, I am going to try documenting them.

The first one is that I frequently am asked by residents to assist them. Whether or not they mistake me for a CNA I'm not sure, but nonetheless the residents consistently try to seduce me into doing odd things for them. I fall for it every time. I can't ignore their yelps for assistance, and I always get there before the CNA does. Just today I wheeled a woman to her bedroom only to have her ask me to undress her.

All I can do is politely inform them that I am merely a housekeeper and that they need to wait for a CNA to assist them further. But to tell you the truth, I'm pretty sure they know I'm a housekeeper, and are just desperate/impatient.

When it comes to wails emanating from the bathrooms, I stay far away. If I get asked to wheel someone to the bathroom, I wheel 'em and ditch 'em. It's only my job to clean up the mess afterwards. Which brings me to my next observation.

Does everyone recall that scene from 'Daddy Daycare' where a little boy attempts to pee unassisted for the first time, comes out saying "I missed," after which Eddie Murphy looks up at the ceiling with horror? That's me every day that I clean bathrooms. I catch myself saying "How does this even happen??" about three times a day. I love that the residents claim to be wheelchair-bound, but in reality are flexible enough to leave stains in just about every crevice of the stall.

Also something that I may never understand, is these people's ability to fall asleep in the middle of eating their food. One lady takes three hours every single day to eat lunch. She gets there an hour early, and stays an hour late. The reason it takes her so long is because she falls asleep, sometimes with a spoon still held up to her mouth. But you must give her efficiency-points for her use of a spoon to skewer her dinner roll in an attempt to eat faster. I think another part of the problem is her incessant flirting. One cannot possibly consume an entire meal, while fishing for a new boyfriend, in just an hour. These things take time. Especially if you are consistently falling asleep.

This same woman stopped me just yesterday to complain about the hard-boiled egg she was eating.
"What's wrong?" I asked.
"I want to eat THIS part of the egg (pointing at the yolk), but I don't want all this FAT around it" she tells me.

It seems I don't know much about eggs, but apparently the egg whites are very fattening. Why a woman at her age, who just last week assured us that she was going to die, cares about fat, I don't know. But as I walked away without knowing how to comfort her, I got to witness her telling another person the exact same thing, desperate for some help with her serious egg problem.